This probably isn’t the best time for me to make this blog post; usually I don’t get anxiety about performing, weirdly enough, but for this concert, I do.
Performing for me is freeing. There are nerves just as I get on the stage, but there is no panic, no fear of rebuttal or humiliation, unlike with everyday, ordinary conversations for me. I’m not entirely sure why this is… perhaps because, if I mess up when performing, it’s typically only me being humiliated, and I feel like it’s justified, if I screw up.
But in normal, everyday conversations, there is more at stake. I can offend people, I can upset people, and that is the constant worry for me; the last thing I want to do, more than anything else, is upset somebody.
This time it’s different. I am not performing solo in these concerts, I am performing with friends. If I mess up, I risk ruining their grades, too. I don’t intend to use these performances as part of my units, but I know that one of them is using it as part of theirs… I can’t mess it up for her.
The anxiety hits when other people are at risk. I think that’s how mine is triggered… If I could cause any harm to anybody else, the panic comes in full force. Maybe that’s why driving causes so much worry.