Anxiety makes it nigh impossible to avoid thoughts and feelings.
There’s always something to worry about, something that takes up far too much time and energy, something that, perhaps, you don’t necessarily need to worry about. But when you’ve had it for a few years, you learn to live with it. If it weren’t such a distraction, I might find the constant pressure useful, and turn it into something productive.
Think of it like a wind up toy; for the past 2 and a bit years, I’ve been wound up so much that, eventually, I’m released and just spin out of control (this is how panic attacks happen!)
Now though… it’s different. I’m not wound up, I’m not spinning out of control.
There’s nothing there.
Don’t get me wrong, I know there’s things I need to worry about – like the radio package due tomorrow morning that I haven’t done yet – but I can’t bring myself to care. I just… I just don’t. And that terrifies me, because that’s where I was in AS levels.
Things aren’t great right now, but other people have it worse, so what do I know? Should I even be complaining about this now, when there’s so much going on, when my family are hurting, and I’m bitching about… It doesn’t matter.
I wanted to get something out. Sorry I have to share it here.