So this is probably the first time I’ve recognised depression as depression. I’m still not entirely sure why; maybe I’m getting better at noticing the shitty feelings I get?
Regardless, life goes on.
The last time I felt like this – the infamous Year 12 disaster – I didn’t know what it was. I took endless mental health days and basically kept saying “I’ll do it when I feel better.”
I don’t yet know all of the direct links to my mental health, but I know workload is one of them. The more I left, the worse I ended up feeling, so the more I left.
Which is why I’m currently in the university library about to bash out some words for this podcasting project, despite not wanting to do anything except lie in bed.
Even if I force myself to type some utter crap, something so bad if anyone read it I would be put on publishers’ blacklists, it’s still something.
It’s something more than I would have had, and less work for me later.
Sorry, I’m not saying this is a way out of feeling like crap. It really isn’t – I’m still numb and will probably be for a while. But this helps me. Or, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe this is depression’s best friend anxiety STILL worrying about this project even though it’s not due till may and I haven’t yet done the work that is due for this Wednesday.
Who knows. But that’s where I’m at, mentally. I hope you’re doing better.