The worst relationship in my life…

Hahah gotcha worried, didn’t I. Thought I’d try some clickbait.

Nah, we’re just gonna talk about why good grades control my existence. That’s all.

Good news is that my anxiety is doing much better than last semester. Or even when compared to this time last year. I’m calm (mostly) I’m prepared (mostly) and, although I have no idea what I’m doing for my projects this semester, I feel positive that I can make something good.

Where has this good news come from? Well, as much as I don’t like talking about getting good grades, because I feel like it’s bragging and don’t normally like that kind of attention, Joe told me that I should be telling strangers in the street, so maybe it’s just me.
Point is, I got a really high grade for a piece of work I did last semester. I got 80% on it.

And I wouldn’t be telling you this, as I haven’t since getting it back, if it didn’t relate directly to my mental health.

For years and years, I was the most uninteresting person in the world with very little going for me. Hard to believe now, I know, but I was dull and strict and proper and God I’m making myself fall asleep.
The only thing I had going for me was that I got good grades, so I did what every boring goody-two-shoes does, and started basing my self worth on these grades. If I didn’t get what I felt I needed, I worried I’d be kicked out the class, or moved sets and I wouldn’t have anything to my name. I’d fade into the invisible.

Weirdly, failing my first year of A Levels only reinforced that idea, because I forced myself to work in spite of the anxiety and probable depression, and I got better grades. I did well, even. And what kind of message is that to send to yourself… that you’ll do well if you ignore the world collapsing around you.

Still, even now, halfway through my degree, my mental health is connected to my grades. They’re not the most important things in the world to me anymore, thank whoever, but I felt panicky and jumpy handing in a piece of work I knew wasn’t very good, compared to the spike in confidence I got when I got the grade for my radio module back.

Eventually I want the confidence to know I can make good things, regardless of grades, and that even if something doesn’t get a good grade… it might just need a lil more editing. I’m not there yet, but that’s my end of 2nd year goal. To know I’m good at what I do, and to value that more than a percentage.


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